Writing

I’m a writer by heart, but if you’ve read any of this you know I lack motivation. My laziness is overwhelming, and it really stops me from doing many things. I sit in my bed and think of what I can write for twenty minutes, but I don’t get up and just type it on the computer. I’ll type it on a notepad on my phone, but we know that the notes are not going to move over to a blog post. That’s just too many extra steps…

I guess if I look at it with a silver lining – at least I’m writing.

Maybe that’s how I should see it, and get myself to move things over. Instead of motivating myself to write – I should motivate myself to edit, proofread, organize. I might be looking at it completely wrong, which creates an unintentional pause. I’m thinking that creating motivation is less about the ‘just do it’ and more about the steps to get there. I’ve read that creating motivation means you look at things step by step instead of all together, but maybe I need to figure out the small steps in order to see where I’m stopping myself.

That sounds really silly a bit over the top doesn’t it? Maybe I should watch Shia LeBeouf a million times until ‘JUST DO IT’ finally motivates me to do it. That’s how it works, right?

Analyzing my dreams

Today I remembered two of my dreams the night before. Both of these dreams had to do with my physical body, but in totally different ways.

Dream 1:

I was looking at myself in the mirror and thought that  I looked amazing. It would be great picture of my body and I could put it on a dating site. So I got out my phone and started to take the picture, but then when I looked back at myself in the mirror – I looked fat. While my face was still pretty, my body needed to be out of it. So I ended up taking a picture of myself in the corner of the mirror, making it a cute little ‘abstract’ picture.

Analysis:

This is a very vapid dream, and pretty easy to analyze considering how shallow it is. The first time that I look at myself in the mirror I consider myself pretty, gorgeous etc, but as I reflect on how other people may see me (Camera) I realize that I’m not as attractive as I could be. In order to compensate for the difference I take a picture of myself doing something cute. I think this is what many people do online, or in photos, because our perceptions of ourselves usually change when we look in a third person perspective.

Dream 2:

This dream seemed to be a two parter. I went to get a tattoo on the inner part of my arm. I made an appointment with a guy and it took a couple of weeks to set it out. We decided to make the tattoo Critical Role inspired with quotes from the show, and a little picture of the characters that I connected to. It was done very well, and it had a little black backdrop. Look sort of like a comic book page, but on my arm. Skip forward a couple of months and I forgot I had the tattoo. Remembered that I only wanted three tattoos, and was a bit disappointed in myself, but realized I now could have four, so I just had to add the other one later on if I wanted.  Since the guy did such an amazing job, I decided to recommend him to a friend. My friend had to talk to multiple people and she almost had the tattoo, but then I woke up.

Analysis:

I believe the last part of my dream about the other person is to keep me asleep so I wake up during a better part of my sleep cycle.

The first part seems to be that I have made Critical Role an important part of my life. I didn’t anticipate how much it would be, but it is now “with me” forever. Which is pretty cool because the show is amazing and the community is great. It’s just weird that it showed up like that in a dream.


 

I like analyzing dreams.  I’ve done a lot of research on dreams and a dream is usually a representation of your day to day life, and can help see the things you are ignoring, and a great way to understand yourself.

 

Writer’s conflict

Today I had an urge to write my story, but honestly I have no idea what I have already. I have written many things down and I need to re-type everything into one place in order to know exactly what needs to be done. It’s difficult to do that because there are so many stories sitting next to me.

Sometimes I think I should just start over, but then I realize how much effort I put into my writing, and that it is actually the skeleton. I have a skeleton of a novel that I’m trying to create organs and muscles. It’s hard to do that when the femur isn’t connected to the hip.

Maybe I don’t have the passion for this? Is that why I’m unable to finish my story? Is that what happens with motivation and laziness. Even though I have gone back to this constantly and over time and I seem to have a passion for it, maybe I actually don’t….maybe my brain is subconsciously telling me that every time my wrist hurts from typing, or I can’t find the next word in a sentence.

Maybe…this isn’t about motivation, but about finding the right passion.

That would be really sad though, because I’ve been wanting this since I was a child. I’ve been wanting to write for since I was eight years old. I was told by people that I needed to change my path because I’m not a good enough technical writer. My grammar needs work and my transitions need to be more fluid. Maybe all the non-constructive critique gets into my psyche at times and makes me stop writing. That is what’s happening now…

I just have to sit up – get my fingers on a writing instrument and ignore the thoughts that go through my mind. Ignore those insecurities that will always stay with me, and that probably stay with everyone. Listen to my favorite authors and just write – write – write.

That’s easy to say, but will I be able to do it?

Dreams

The first thing that I think when I hear the word “Dreams” is when I sleep. The dreams that explain my week, and can give me insight on my life. But these aren’t the dreams I should be focusing on…I should be focusing on other definition of dreams. Where I want to go in my life, and what I want to be. Those are the dreams I need to follow, but these dreams require more than just myself.

There are two major things I’ve always wanted to be in my life: An Author and A Mother. The mother part is easier but I wanted to be a young mother. Someone who had her first child at 19 or 20…but that didn’t happen. Now I’m in a part of my life where I feel I’m getting to old to be a mother, or that if it hasn’t happened now…then it won’t happen. Also, there is a thing about needing to find that man, or $30,000, to get pregnant.

The second one is easier to do by myself. A few years ago I went to a therapist because I need to learn to become motivated. One of the things she asked me was “How do we know when we’re done?” I responded with when I was able to write a novel. I was unable to afford the sessions after a while, because my insurance was gone, but I did learn a lot from it. I think one of the things I learned is how much I wanted to write for a living.

I remember as a child writing silly stories about a flower, and having an idea about a woman falling in love with her servant – but history made it difficult to be together. I had ideas in my head for years, and stories about all of these different people and places. At the same time I was having these stories I was getting told how difficult it would be to become a writer. How people will reject you over and over again, and it’s better to find a backup plan.  I was also told that I shouldn’t major in English by my guidance counselor while my Spanish teacher told me I should become a writer. That was confusing for a high schooler…and made me re-consider my dream.

Finding that backup plan became the rest of my life. I wanted to be a teacher, midwife, youtuber, veterinarian…etc. etc. I would still write on the sidelines, but it never became full time. My motivation was to find a foundation for the mother I wanted to be. To find a job that I semi-liked in order to find a man that would get me my first dream. Every couple of times a year I would start to realize how sad I was, and how I wasn’t focusing on what I really wanted to do…and write. Then I would go back to my backup plan, because it was so hard to see the future.

It’s scary to follow those dreams that are not always stable. Those dreams that need other people to make it happen. A writer needs an audience to get anywhere and the only way to do that is through patience, motivation, determination, and doing it all even though there will be rejection and negativity. I’m getting there…again.

Starting Over

Today I got the urge to start over. To get as much as I could possibly get…new car, mattress, computer…I also got the urge to travel for a bit, and just experience new things. It’s not that I’m bored, or hate, my life – it’s just that need for a new experience.

The problem is that I don’t have the money. I know the potential for the money, and I know that if I really want something then I shouldn’t let money stop me, but I should always have back up for a rainy day.

I wonder if this feeling is the reason many people can’t stay rich. If they don’t need to worry about money, so they don’t. Maybe it’s a good thing to worry about it in order to make sure you have it later on.

But…I do wish I had a way to make money remotely. I have a friend who is the envy of most, because she is able to travel and work. This is something I really wish I could do, but it takes a motivation that I can’t grasp. Watching her experiences and knowing she is okay is so inspiring. I know that I can learn from her, and I’m glad she’s doing this for herself.

I know what to do, just gotta reset and start over. Everyday is a new day, and the potential for something amazing.