Writing

I’m a writer by heart, but if you’ve read any of this you know I lack motivation. My laziness is overwhelming, and it really stops me from doing many things. I sit in my bed and think of what I can write for twenty minutes, but I don’t get up and just type it on the computer. I’ll type it on a notepad on my phone, but we know that the notes are not going to move over to a blog post. That’s just too many extra steps…

I guess if I look at it with a silver lining – at least I’m writing.

Maybe that’s how I should see it, and get myself to move things over. Instead of motivating myself to write – I should motivate myself to edit, proofread, organize. I might be looking at it completely wrong, which creates an unintentional pause. I’m thinking that creating motivation is less about the ‘just do it’ and more about the steps to get there. I’ve read that creating motivation means you look at things step by step instead of all together, but maybe I need to figure out the small steps in order to see where I’m stopping myself.

That sounds really silly a bit over the top doesn’t it? Maybe I should watch Shia LeBeouf a million times until ‘JUST DO IT’ finally motivates me to do it. That’s how it works, right?

Dreams

The first thing that I think when I hear the word “Dreams” is when I sleep. The dreams that explain my week, and can give me insight on my life. But these aren’t the dreams I should be focusing on…I should be focusing on other definition of dreams. Where I want to go in my life, and what I want to be. Those are the dreams I need to follow, but these dreams require more than just myself.

There are two major things I’ve always wanted to be in my life: An Author and A Mother. The mother part is easier but I wanted to be a young mother. Someone who had her first child at 19 or 20…but that didn’t happen. Now I’m in a part of my life where I feel I’m getting to old to be a mother, or that if it hasn’t happened now…then it won’t happen. Also, there is a thing about needing to find that man, or $30,000, to get pregnant.

The second one is easier to do by myself. A few years ago I went to a therapist because I need to learn to become motivated. One of the things she asked me was “How do we know when we’re done?” I responded with when I was able to write a novel. I was unable to afford the sessions after a while, because my insurance was gone, but I did learn a lot from it. I think one of the things I learned is how much I wanted to write for a living.

I remember as a child writing silly stories about a flower, and having an idea about a woman falling in love with her servant – but history made it difficult to be together. I had ideas in my head for years, and stories about all of these different people and places. At the same time I was having these stories I was getting told how difficult it would be to become a writer. How people will reject you over and over again, and it’s better to find a backup plan.  I was also told that I shouldn’t major in English by my guidance counselor while my Spanish teacher told me I should become a writer. That was confusing for a high schooler…and made me re-consider my dream.

Finding that backup plan became the rest of my life. I wanted to be a teacher, midwife, youtuber, veterinarian…etc. etc. I would still write on the sidelines, but it never became full time. My motivation was to find a foundation for the mother I wanted to be. To find a job that I semi-liked in order to find a man that would get me my first dream. Every couple of times a year I would start to realize how sad I was, and how I wasn’t focusing on what I really wanted to do…and write. Then I would go back to my backup plan, because it was so hard to see the future.

It’s scary to follow those dreams that are not always stable. Those dreams that need other people to make it happen. A writer needs an audience to get anywhere and the only way to do that is through patience, motivation, determination, and doing it all even though there will be rejection and negativity. I’m getting there…again.

Starting Over

Today I got the urge to start over. To get as much as I could possibly get…new car, mattress, computer…I also got the urge to travel for a bit, and just experience new things. It’s not that I’m bored, or hate, my life – it’s just that need for a new experience.

The problem is that I don’t have the money. I know the potential for the money, and I know that if I really want something then I shouldn’t let money stop me, but I should always have back up for a rainy day.

I wonder if this feeling is the reason many people can’t stay rich. If they don’t need to worry about money, so they don’t. Maybe it’s a good thing to worry about it in order to make sure you have it later on.

But…I do wish I had a way to make money remotely. I have a friend who is the envy of most, because she is able to travel and work. This is something I really wish I could do, but it takes a motivation that I can’t grasp. Watching her experiences and knowing she is okay is so inspiring. I know that I can learn from her, and I’m glad she’s doing this for herself.

I know what to do, just gotta reset and start over. Everyday is a new day, and the potential for something amazing.

Music

One of the most underrated things for me is Music. I always forget to listen to music because I take it for granted. However when I do listen to it I feel inspired and motivated to do something. There is one artist that really speaks to me and listening to him on repeat makes me want to write a novel. It actually is the reason I was able to write about 90 pages on paper of one particular novel, but because of the immensity of the project moving over to computer – and the inability to write for more than 15 minutes at a time puts me at a standstill.

Literally, I write these in under 15 minutes. I don’t really know how to get myself to write more than that without sounding like a lunatic. Sometimes I think it would be easier to be blind because you don’t re-read what you’ve written and then edit it as you’re writing. That’s my problem. When I’m writing out my thoughts, as you see here, I can just keep going as I’m typing. When I’m writing an actual story though? I’m editing and proofreading as I go. It’s frustrating, and I only know one way to get out of it.

Music.

Music makes me focus on something besides what I had previously written. It forces my mind to be in the emotion that I need for the particular moment. It takes me out of my own self and brings me into this writing machine. Once it’s over I start thinking about what should be written next, or what I should have done in the past. It literally just happened right now.

Why can’t I just remind myself to write while listening to music? Is there a better way to get yourself to do things? I know people say that if you have passion for it you are going to do it, but passion can be procrastinated. Passion can be set aside because you’re trying to get better and make it perfect. Passion can be sidestepped to make sure that your life has a foundation and that you have the ability to follow it. It’s not something that is always going to move you and make you do it for hours. It has it’s limits, even though I wish it wouldn’t.

However, Music can make you do it. Music can keep you motivated for a long period of time. Every song brings a different level of excitement and longevity to what you’re trying to achieve. It brings me into a mode that enables creativity and that what I need to remember on a daily basis. I need to remember to listen to a song when I wake up, or when I’m feeling down. When I am wanting to write…or basically do anything.

Why can’t I, on a daily basis, remember that this is how music makes me feel?

Repetition

Repeating patterns and phrases are common in this world. It’s something that we see, hear, smell and touch on a regular basis but for some reason I have not been able to get myself into a good repetitious activity. You know like exercising every week, having a specific time when you eat, or writing on a regular basis.

Instead I have preschool songs on repeat. As I am writing this right now I have a little voice in my head singing “Days of the week. Days of the week. There’s sunday and there’s monday…etc.” It’s a catchy tune, but I know my days of the week pretty well now.

But it did make me think about how repetition can help or hinder a person. The hindering part can be very minor, but I think there isn’t a middle ground to it. It either gives us patterns to follow which helps us move forward and learn, or it gives us patterns to follow that makes us go in circles. The circles are what I’m doing in this paragraph by repeating the same thing.

I did that on purpose…

 

My point is that it’s important to create repetitive activities that are helpful for us on a regular basis. We shouldn’t focus on how repetition can so easily be annoying, predictable and unhelpful. Predictability is not always unpleasant because it creates a stable life that allows for spontaneity on other days.

It’s just really hard to change that mindset.