Dreams

The first thing that I think when I hear the word “Dreams” is when I sleep. The dreams that explain my week, and can give me insight on my life. But these aren’t the dreams I should be focusing on…I should be focusing on other definition of dreams. Where I want to go in my life, and what I want to be. Those are the dreams I need to follow, but these dreams require more than just myself.

There are two major things I’ve always wanted to be in my life: An Author and A Mother. The mother part is easier but I wanted to be a young mother. Someone who had her first child at 19 or 20…but that didn’t happen. Now I’m in a part of my life where I feel I’m getting to old to be a mother, or that if it hasn’t happened now…then it won’t happen. Also, there is a thing about needing to find that man, or $30,000, to get pregnant.

The second one is easier to do by myself. A few years ago I went to a therapist because I need to learn to become motivated. One of the things she asked me was “How do we know when we’re done?” I responded with when I was able to write a novel. I was unable to afford the sessions after a while, because my insurance was gone, but I did learn a lot from it. I think one of the things I learned is how much I wanted to write for a living.

I remember as a child writing silly stories about a flower, and having an idea about a woman falling in love with her servant – but history made it difficult to be together. I had ideas in my head for years, and stories about all of these different people and places. At the same time I was having these stories I was getting told how difficult it would be to become a writer. How people will reject you over and over again, and it’s better to find a backup plan.  I was also told that I shouldn’t major in English by my guidance counselor while my Spanish teacher told me I should become a writer. That was confusing for a high schooler…and made me re-consider my dream.

Finding that backup plan became the rest of my life. I wanted to be a teacher, midwife, youtuber, veterinarian…etc. etc. I would still write on the sidelines, but it never became full time. My motivation was to find a foundation for the mother I wanted to be. To find a job that I semi-liked in order to find a man that would get me my first dream. Every couple of times a year I would start to realize how sad I was, and how I wasn’t focusing on what I really wanted to do…and write. Then I would go back to my backup plan, because it was so hard to see the future.

It’s scary to follow those dreams that are not always stable. Those dreams that need other people to make it happen. A writer needs an audience to get anywhere and the only way to do that is through patience, motivation, determination, and doing it all even though there will be rejection and negativity. I’m getting there…again.

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Starting Over

Today I got the urge to start over. To get as much as I could possibly get…new car, mattress, computer…I also got the urge to travel for a bit, and just experience new things. It’s not that I’m bored, or hate, my life – it’s just that need for a new experience.

The problem is that I don’t have the money. I know the potential for the money, and I know that if I really want something then I shouldn’t let money stop me, but I should always have back up for a rainy day.

I wonder if this feeling is the reason many people can’t stay rich. If they don’t need to worry about money, so they don’t. Maybe it’s a good thing to worry about it in order to make sure you have it later on.

But…I do wish I had a way to make money remotely. I have a friend who is the envy of most, because she is able to travel and work. This is something I really wish I could do, but it takes a motivation that I can’t grasp. Watching her experiences and knowing she is okay is so inspiring. I know that I can learn from her, and I’m glad she’s doing this for herself.

I know what to do, just gotta reset and start over. Everyday is a new day, and the potential for something amazing.

Some would say it’s a controversial topic…

I was raised in a society that believed homosexuality is a sin. There are many entertainment outlets that shows parents disowning their children because they told them they were homosexual. These stories made me afraid to possibly find out I was a lesbian. It wasn’t that I thought my family would stop loving me, it was just the stories that I heard from others.

I’m not a lesbian…but the fact that stories from society and entertainment made me feel that way, is not cool.

It wasn’t until I was in middle school when “All the things she said” by Tatu came out that I, personally, felt it would be okay if I ‘turned out’ to be homosexual. Obviously I didn’t know that it was something you were born with, and thought sexual orientation was a choice, but I grew out of that.

When I started to realize that sexual orientation was not a choice, but something you were born with I wondered why God would give innocent children something that would make them hated. There were two options:

  1. There is no God
  2. His words were misinterpreted

And then there’s the third option with the devil and shit like that…which in my mind doesn’t make sense because people are born pure. So…I believe in the second one.

I also started to think about it in a biological standpoint. Animals are made to procreate. An animal that is infertile balances out the population, along with the food chain. The thing that differentiates humans from animals is that some animals eat their young who are sick, or are being eaten by other animals. Humans tend to not be near animals that could eat them, so there is a high chance that we will over-populate the world. While infertility can fix that problem, there’s another problem about being human.

Orphans.

These are children who lost their parents. How they lost their parents is completely different for each individual. They are waiting for a family, and unfortunately many people cannot help these children because of their own families, or they don’t have the resources available. Also…people want their own babies, and then they have so much on their plate that they can’t mentally, emotionally, economically support another child.

When I was a child I always prayed that orphans would find a home, and I think God answered that prayer by putting homosexuality in this world.

People who are attracted to their own sex/gender cannot biologically have children. So if they want children the basic thing they need to do …is adopt. I believe that’s the reason it’s in a person’s genes. That is the answer to my prayers as a child, and I wish people could realize this.

Of course science makes it difficult to see because they create a way for anyone to pass on their own genetics…but science does that.

Attention

I got on the computer to play some games, and my cat jumped on the desk to get attention, basically as soon as I started to play, and she hadn’t tried to get my attention since I’ve been home. It made me start to think about attention and when cats, or people, really want it.

I’ve noticed that I always seek attention from my family when they are doing something else. It’s not like a toddler, but I’m more likely to talk to them if they are focused on a television show, or on their tablet, than if we sit quietly. I’ve also experienced, and read about, families who sit down for dinner – they rarely talk. There are some people who seek attention by talking constantly, but most people just sit and eat. However, when there is a television around there is more likely to be conversation, or attention seeking behaviors.

Is this because there is something to talk about, or is it because we are feeling ignored by someone? Does feeling ignored for a moment cause us to want more attention, or do we want attention before we are feeling ignored…If we feel ignored, at all?

To me these are interesting questions to consider. I’ve grown out of that constant need for attention, the kind that annoyed the crap out of my friends and family. But I still sometimes feel that I’m being ignored, and I seek attention from people who are close to me. I think everyone does this. It’s that social part of our brain that many people ignore on a daily basis, or they use books and strangers on the internet to pacify it.

I guess I think cats know what and how to get what they want more than humans.

Organization and the brain?

Right before I started writing this I organized my music files. I moved, listened, and deleted the music so it was exactly how I wanted it in my phone. That way I can listen to the music I love every now and then.

So…Rarely.

It’s one of the things I really enjoy doing , but I honestly never do it. But when I do organize books, movies, music, folders, paper I have such a blast that I’ll do it until it is exactly right. I could do it for hours if I wanted to…but I rarely think of it. I think doing that on a regular basis would keep me motivated.

But why don’t I think of it?

It could be laziness, which is valid, but doesn’t laziness have to do with not doing something you were planning on doing it? Isn’t it one of those “Oh, I don’t feel like it today”.  It’s not like I stopped myself from doing it, I just didn’t think about it at the time…or maybe that’s our brain. Maybe laziness changes the way the brain works and stops you from thinking about how those post-its don’t line up, or the painting on the wall isn’t completely straight…or how your clothes aren’t stacked up in colors.

I decided to look up the difference between OCD and laziness. I chose to compare the two because in my mind OCD can be a compulsive need to organize and keep things aligned, while laziness doesn’t. Also, OCD is a disorder that has been researched and you can actually find scientific information.

My little research in the past five or ten minute led me to believe that serotonin plays a role in organization vs. laziness. So, I suppose the reason I am feeling joy when I am organizing things is because my serotonin levels are in balance at the time. But the reason I forget to do it, or don’t think about it, is because my serotonin levels are normally out of whack and in abundance.

Maybe I’m on to something?

Who knows…