Something that has happened to me most of my life is that people say I lack confidence. They say this because I say things like “I hope someone doesn’t think I did poorly” or “I worry that someone won’t understand what I am trying to say.” Even though I believe that what I am saying makes sense, or I am doing very well. It’s not about my lack of confidence in myself – it’s about understanding that people might not agree with me. People have different opinions, perspectives and ideas that are not my own, and that is the random worry comes in.
People are different and there is no real way to know what they are thinking. Chances are extremely high they aren’t thinking about you, or don’t really care, but anxiety doesn’t give a shit about that. Anxiety just likes to spurt out random thoughts and repeats them until your blood is pumping, your mind is racing and there are either tears or it’s hard to breathe. You know your anxiety.
Of course, I will talk to myself and say things like “there is no reason for them to think that way” or “Why would they think I did poorly? I did pretty well.” However.. anxiety can be irrational. It usually IS irrational. So when those worries come it can become a cyclical thought, and then you’re trying to get off that train.
How do I get off that train of thought? I vent. I say it out loud, and then that’s where people think I blame myself, or I lack confidence. That’s where people say things like “get over it” and “they don’t think that way, why would you think that?” etc. etc. I know this, but I need to get it out of my mouth so that I can process it and rationalize it. I’ll talk to myself, but when you’re in a public place there is a chance someone will hear me or I will randomly vent to them if they’re fine with it.
So that’s my vent of the day. I know that anxiety is different for everyone and this is not universal, but it’s something that I just needed to let out of my system. You know…because I vent.