The first thing that I think when I hear the word “Dreams” is when I sleep. The dreams that explain my week, and can give me insight on my life. But these aren’t the dreams I should be focusing on…I should be focusing on other definition of dreams. Where I want to go in my life, and what I want to be. Those are the dreams I need to follow, but these dreams require more than just myself.

There are two major things I’ve always wanted to be in my life: An Author and A Mother. The mother part is easier but I wanted to be a young mother. Someone who had her first child at 19 or 20…but that didn’t happen. Now I’m in a part of my life where I feel I’m getting to old to be a mother, or that if it hasn’t happened now…then it won’t happen. Also, there is a thing about needing to find that man, or $30,000, to get pregnant.

The second one is easier to do by myself. A few years ago I went to a therapist because I need to learn to become motivated. One of the things she asked me was “How do we know when we’re done?” I responded with when I was able to write a novel. I was unable to afford the sessions after a while, because my insurance was gone, but I did learn a lot from it. I think one of the things I learned is how much I wanted to write for a living.

I remember as a child writing silly stories about a flower, and having an idea about a woman falling in love with her servant – but history made it difficult to be together. I had ideas in my head for years, and stories about all of these different people and places. At the same time I was having these stories I was getting told how difficult it would be to become a writer. How people will reject you over and over again, and it’s better to find a backup plan.  I was also told that I shouldn’t major in English by my guidance counselor while my Spanish teacher told me I should become a writer. That was confusing for a high schooler…and made me re-consider my dream.

Finding that backup plan became the rest of my life. I wanted to be a teacher, midwife, youtuber, veterinarian…etc. etc. I would still write on the sidelines, but it never became full time. My motivation was to find a foundation for the mother I wanted to be. To find a job that I semi-liked in order to find a man that would get me my first dream. Every couple of times a year I would start to realize how sad I was, and how I wasn’t focusing on what I really wanted to do…and write. Then I would go back to my backup plan, because it was so hard to see the future.

It’s scary to follow those dreams that are not always stable. Those dreams that need other people to make it happen. A writer needs an audience to get anywhere and the only way to do that is through patience, motivation, determination, and doing it all even though there will be rejection and negativity. I’m getting there…again.

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