No one would understand this unless they know my history, but I don’t feel like explaining it now. I mean many people won’t read this anyway so might as well just bring out my thoughts in a moment. Last night I had a dream that he came back to me, and that he wasn’t dead. I had a dream that I was looking for him and trying to prove that he was still here – and he talked to me.

I really think that was him talking to me and my brain recognizing that this is the week that it happened. In four days it will be the day that it happened. I guess it doesn’t matter it was almost five years ago. So many people say that about horrible things that happened in the past. They tell you to get over it, or it was so long ago why are you reminding yourself? Just forget about it. Let it go.

That’s not how the brain works though. The brain remembers those experiences that you don’t want to remember, so that you won’t make the same mistake again. This is how we learn from our past. This is how we grow into the person we want to be. The good memories are absorbed and we don’t need to learn how to make them better, because they’re already great. We don’t need to analyze those amazing moments and figure out what we could have done better.

Which sucks…because I wish I could randomly remember the great times. Can we tell anxiety to stop focusing on the negative and just dip into the rainbow of positive? It’s there right next to the cloud of despair.