This is the beginning of a new era and the start of something that I have wanted to do for my entire life. It’s a crappy start for a beginning, but at least I’m trying it. Ever since I was a young girl I believed that diaries and thoughts were meant to be expressed. I was upset when I found out my mother respected my privacy and didn’t try to read my diary. I didn’t keep a diary for much longer after that.
Honestly it wasn’t until I was in middle school that my inner thoughts became a problem. for once someone read my thoughts, and ironically I said something bad about them. It was a thrilling and painful experience. it made me want to write to the world and also keep my thoughts inside myself. The random thoughts of a middle school child isn’t something that someone wants to hear, and therefore I kept them inside.
I kept them inside for a majority of years. Sometimes I would rant and rave at my family or friends. Occasionally (not so occasional) I would have a breakdown because I wasn’t able to express myself. You know the regular thing that happens to a teenager. The emotional regulation that I didn’t have because my neurotransmitters were moving around like a highway.
There was also something else that affected my brain. This was the fact that I had depression and anxiety. Something that I have always, and will always, deal with in my life. I’ve noticed in the past few years that the lack of motivation is a constant symptom of depression. This lack of motivation manifests itself in not doing what I’ve always wanted to do in my life: write.