Never really experienced it.

I’ll start off being blunt, but that’s the easiest way to go for me. I have a need for sex. I am feeling lust and I wish to just be with a man and get it on. This isn’t a bad thing at all, however it is something I’m not used to…finding? expressing? feeling?

I’m the type of person who basically can go ages without having a significant other, or sex. I’ve never really thought I would want someone like that. You know, not a relationship but just a fling. It makes me feel like the stereotypical guy who is just looking to get laid. This is something I’ve never appreciated in men, so it’s kind of hypocritical?

I mean…I understand it. I get it. I respect that’s what is needed, but I don’t appreciate that being the first thing to talk about. I don’t appreciate the expectation of when it is going to happen. I usually like the slow build.

Now…all of a sudden I want the instant response. Maybe it’s just the time of the year for me. But, it does feel a bit hypocritical. It also feels like I’m trying to skip a step. Getting that intimacy without the commitment, or maybe try just something different?

I don’t know, but I know it’s odd.


Meant to be writing something else

Right now I am supposed to be writing an essay, but I can’t get myself to type the first sentences because all I can do is think is listen to this song “Innocent” by Our Lady Peace. It completely fits with what my topic in my essay is about, which is One Health, but for some reason, I am just thinking about myself. I flipped my hair and felt very pretty for a moment. Then it made me think….why do I feel pretty but the people I am attracted to appear to not agree?

Shouldn’t I feel ugly because the people I’m attracted to don’t talk to me? I mean so many people say I lack confidence, have self-esteem issues, and I don’t care about my appearance. Yet, I’m sitting here knowing I am pretty instead of thinking I’m ugly.

I mean it doesn’t really matter…it’s not like it’s going to greatly change my life, but it’s something I wanted to get off my chest. this will help me move from my stupid thoughts into the essay that I am meant to be writing.


I’m a writer by heart, but if you’ve read any of this you know I lack motivation. My laziness is overwhelming, and it really stops me from doing many things. I sit in my bed and think of what I can write for twenty minutes, but I don’t get up and just type it on the computer. I’ll type it on a notepad on my phone, but we know that the notes are not going to move over to a blog post. That’s just too many extra steps…

I guess if I look at it with a silver lining – at least I’m writing.

Maybe that’s how I should see it, and get myself to move things over. Instead of motivating myself to write – I should motivate myself to edit, proofread, organize. I might be looking at it completely wrong, which creates an unintentional pause. I’m thinking that creating motivation is less about the ‘just do it’ and more about the steps to get there. I’ve read that creating motivation means you look at things step by step instead of all together, but maybe I need to figure out the small steps in order to see where I’m stopping myself.

That sounds really silly a bit over the top doesn’t it? Maybe I should watch Shia LeBeouf a million times until ‘JUST DO IT’ finally motivates me to do it. That’s how it works, right?


Last night I was watching Critical Role and one of the characters didn’t know her birthday, so her best friend said her birthday was going to be today. It made me think about birthdays and how people can make it a big deal but also forget about it with their pets or fictional characters.

I play DnD a lot of the time and the characters I play would know their birthdays, but I never think about it. In real life, it’s a day you were born on and everyone else celebrates that day with you, but it’s only a day FOR you until you’re out of your family home.

If the birthday was my day – why would I pay for my dinner? Why would I pay for my drinks? Wouldnt’ someone pays for me to celebrate my day? Why do I have to ask for that in the first place? Also, what if I don’t feel like being around people? Does it always have to be a party if I have friends?

No…but it seems like it does.

I wish birthdays were less about getting older and more about just celebrating that you’re alive. Because life can be pretty cool and you are an interesting person. Might as well celebrate what makes you interesting, even if you share your birthday with someone else, but not at the same time with the same family.

Even if you are a twin.

Analyzing my dreams

Today I remembered two of my dreams the night before. Both of these dreams had to do with my physical body, but in totally different ways.

Dream 1:

I was looking at myself in the mirror and thought that  I looked amazing. It would be great picture of my body and I could put it on a dating site. So I got out my phone and started to take the picture, but then when I looked back at myself in the mirror – I looked fat. While my face was still pretty, my body needed to be out of it. So I ended up taking a picture of myself in the corner of the mirror, making it a cute little ‘abstract’ picture.


This is a very vapid dream, and pretty easy to analyze considering how shallow it is. The first time that I look at myself in the mirror I consider myself pretty, gorgeous etc, but as I reflect on how other people may see me (Camera) I realize that I’m not as attractive as I could be. In order to compensate for the difference I take a picture of myself doing something cute. I think this is what many people do online, or in photos, because our perceptions of ourselves usually change when we look in a third person perspective.

Dream 2:

This dream seemed to be a two parter. I went to get a tattoo on the inner part of my arm. I made an appointment with a guy and it took a couple of weeks to set it out. We decided to make the tattoo Critical Role inspired with quotes from the show, and a little picture of the characters that I connected to. It was done very well, and it had a little black backdrop. Look sort of like a comic book page, but on my arm. Skip forward a couple of months and I forgot I had the tattoo. Remembered that I only wanted three tattoos, and was a bit disappointed in myself, but realized I now could have four, so I just had to add the other one later on if I wanted.  Since the guy did such an amazing job, I decided to recommend him to a friend. My friend had to talk to multiple people and she almost had the tattoo, but then I woke up.


I believe the last part of my dream about the other person is to keep me asleep so I wake up during a better part of my sleep cycle.

The first part seems to be that I have made Critical Role an important part of my life. I didn’t anticipate how much it would be, but it is now “with me” forever. Which is pretty cool because the show is amazing and the community is great. It’s just weird that it showed up like that in a dream.


I like analyzing dreams.  I’ve done a lot of research on dreams and a dream is usually a representation of your day to day life, and can help see the things you are ignoring, and a great way to understand yourself.