I don’t know

It’s me again…just sitting here existing.  Honestly, I’ve been feeling down the past couple of days. This is a common occurrence for me so it probably gets annoying for people I talk to. Also, I say down because I haven’t officially been diagnosed with depression and I’m wary that I’m just adding to the overuse of the word. I’m also not saying sad because it’s more than that…it’s literally just down. That’s the best explanation without saying depressed.

I am also a bit stressed due to my graduate school work, but it’s my fault for waiting so long to finish it. Every thought that I have is my fault because I put it on myself – and then it makes me feel more down because I wasn’t mentally healthy. A cycle of emotional thoughts that makes it almost impossible to get out of. Anxiety is a bitch that you sometimes need to dig yourself out of for years, and each time there is a chance for concrete. It’s when you only get concrete and you don’t have a sledgehammer to drill that it becomes unbearable.

Rigth now, I feel like I continuously dig around that piece of rock, and get out of it, just to find another rock. I need a drill -but how does one get one? There are some people that are able to just….walk through life and leave their emotions for the night before they sleep. Their dreams are the things that emotionally regulate them.

Or maybe…there isn’t really anyone like that. Maybe everyone is just ready for a nap.

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Anxiety and Confidence

Something that has happened to me most of my life is that people say I lack confidence. They say this because I say things like “I hope someone doesn’t think I did poorly” or “I worry that someone won’t understand what I am trying to say.”  Even though I believe that what I am saying makes sense, or I am doing very well. It’s not about my lack of confidence in myself – it’s about understanding that people might not agree with me. People have different opinions, perspectives and ideas that are not my own, and that is the random worry comes in.

People are different and there is no real way to know what they are thinking. Chances are extremely high they aren’t thinking about you, or don’t really care, but anxiety doesn’t give a shit about that. Anxiety just likes to spurt out random thoughts and repeats them until your blood is pumping, your mind is racing and there are either tears or it’s hard to breathe. You know your anxiety.

Of course,  I will talk to myself and say things like “there is no reason for them to think that way” or “Why would they think I did poorly? I did pretty well.” However.. anxiety can be irrational. It usually IS irrational. So when those worries come it can become a cyclical thought, and then you’re trying to get off that train.

How do I get off that train of thought? I vent. I say it out loud, and then that’s where people think I blame myself, or I lack confidence.  That’s where people say things like “get over it” and “they don’t think that way, why would you think that?” etc. etc. I know this, but I need to get it out of my mouth so that I can process it and rationalize it. I’ll talk to myself, but when you’re in a public place there is a chance someone will hear me or I will randomly vent to them if they’re fine with it.

So that’s my vent of the day. I know that anxiety is different for everyone and this is not universal, but it’s something that I just needed to let out of my system. You know…because I vent.

Never really experienced it.

I’ll start off being blunt, but that’s the easiest way to go for me. I have a need for sex. I am feeling lust and I wish to just be with a man and get it on. This isn’t a bad thing at all, however it is something I’m not used to…finding? expressing? feeling?

I’m the type of person who basically can go ages without having a significant other, or sex. I’ve never really thought I would want someone like that. You know, not a relationship but just a fling. It makes me feel like the stereotypical guy who is just looking to get laid. This is something I’ve never appreciated in men, so it’s kind of hypocritical?

I mean…I understand it. I get it. I respect that’s what is needed, but I don’t appreciate that being the first thing to talk about. I don’t appreciate the expectation of when it is going to happen. I usually like the slow build.

Now…all of a sudden I want the instant response. Maybe it’s just the time of the year for me. But, it does feel a bit hypocritical. It also feels like I’m trying to skip a step. Getting that intimacy without the commitment, or maybe try just something different?

I don’t know, but I know it’s odd.

Meant to be writing something else

Right now I am supposed to be writing an essay, but I can’t get myself to type the first sentences because all I can do is think is listen to this song “Innocent” by Our Lady Peace. It completely fits with what my topic in my essay is about, which is One Health, but for some reason, I am just thinking about myself. I flipped my hair and felt very pretty for a moment. Then it made me think….why do I feel pretty but the people I am attracted to appear to not agree?

Shouldn’t I feel ugly because the people I’m attracted to don’t talk to me? I mean so many people say I lack confidence, have self-esteem issues, and I don’t care about my appearance. Yet, I’m sitting here knowing I am pretty instead of thinking I’m ugly.

I mean it doesn’t really matter…it’s not like it’s going to greatly change my life, but it’s something I wanted to get off my chest. this will help me move from my stupid thoughts into the essay that I am meant to be writing.

Writing

I’m a writer by heart, but if you’ve read any of this you know I lack motivation. My laziness is overwhelming, and it really stops me from doing many things. I sit in my bed and think of what I can write for twenty minutes, but I don’t get up and just type it on the computer. I’ll type it on a notepad on my phone, but we know that the notes are not going to move over to a blog post. That’s just too many extra steps…

I guess if I look at it with a silver lining – at least I’m writing.

Maybe that’s how I should see it, and get myself to move things over. Instead of motivating myself to write – I should motivate myself to edit, proofread, organize. I might be looking at it completely wrong, which creates an unintentional pause. I’m thinking that creating motivation is less about the ‘just do it’ and more about the steps to get there. I’ve read that creating motivation means you look at things step by step instead of all together, but maybe I need to figure out the small steps in order to see where I’m stopping myself.

That sounds really silly a bit over the top doesn’t it? Maybe I should watch Shia LeBeouf a million times until ‘JUST DO IT’ finally motivates me to do it. That’s how it works, right?