Last night I was watching Critical Role and one of the characters didn’t know her birthday, so her best friend said her birthday was going to be today. It made me think about birthdays and how people can make it a big deal but also forget about it with their pets or fictional characters.

I play DnD a lot of the time and the characters I play would know their birthdays, but I never think about it. In real life, it’s a day you were born on and everyone else celebrates that day with you, but it’s only a day FOR you until you’re out of your family home.

If the birthday was my day – why would I pay for my dinner? Why would I pay for my drinks? Wouldnt’ someone pays for me to celebrate my day? Why do I have to ask for that in the first place? Also, what if I don’t feel like being around people? Does it always have to be a party if I have friends?

No…but it seems like it does.

I wish birthdays were less about getting older and more about just celebrating that you’re alive. Because life can be pretty cool and you are an interesting person. Might as well celebrate what makes you interesting, even if you share your birthday with someone else, but not at the same time with the same family.

Even if you are a twin.


Analyzing my dreams

Today I remembered two of my dreams the night before. Both of these dreams had to do with my physical body, but in totally different ways.

Dream 1:

I was looking at myself in the mirror and thought that  I looked amazing. It would be great picture of my body and I could put it on a dating site. So I got out my phone and started to take the picture, but then when I looked back at myself in the mirror – I looked fat. While my face was still pretty, my body needed to be out of it. So I ended up taking a picture of myself in the corner of the mirror, making it a cute little ‘abstract’ picture.


This is a very vapid dream, and pretty easy to analyze considering how shallow it is. The first time that I look at myself in the mirror I consider myself pretty, gorgeous etc, but as I reflect on how other people may see me (Camera) I realize that I’m not as attractive as I could be. In order to compensate for the difference I take a picture of myself doing something cute. I think this is what many people do online, or in photos, because our perceptions of ourselves usually change when we look in a third person perspective.

Dream 2:

This dream seemed to be a two parter. I went to get a tattoo on the inner part of my arm. I made an appointment with a guy and it took a couple of weeks to set it out. We decided to make the tattoo Critical Role inspired with quotes from the show, and a little picture of the characters that I connected to. It was done very well, and it had a little black backdrop. Look sort of like a comic book page, but on my arm. Skip forward a couple of months and I forgot I had the tattoo. Remembered that I only wanted three tattoos, and was a bit disappointed in myself, but realized I now could have four, so I just had to add the other one later on if I wanted.  Since the guy did such an amazing job, I decided to recommend him to a friend. My friend had to talk to multiple people and she almost had the tattoo, but then I woke up.


I believe the last part of my dream about the other person is to keep me asleep so I wake up during a better part of my sleep cycle.

The first part seems to be that I have made Critical Role an important part of my life. I didn’t anticipate how much it would be, but it is now “with me” forever. Which is pretty cool because the show is amazing and the community is great. It’s just weird that it showed up like that in a dream.


I like analyzing dreams.  I’ve done a lot of research on dreams and a dream is usually a representation of your day to day life, and can help see the things you are ignoring, and a great way to understand yourself.


Embarrassing Pride

Today I was working with a child who may have autism. He is three years old and very wild, but an adorable child. He did something with patterns that I thought was amazing…I am not an official teacher, but I was his BHP for the moment so it was awesome in my mind.

I told nearly everyone, including his mother of course, and now I’m sitting here embarrassed that I told everyone. It should have been something for just his mother and that is it. It’s not like I taught him how to do it, it was just a cool thing he did on his own.

For some reason showing excitement for something someone else did to others embarrassed me after the fact. Is it because they were not as excited? Or maybe their expression tells me it’s not something to be excited about…it’s just a given.

I wish I could just only say things to a few people at the moment and not bring it back up. It’s annoying and, in retrospect, embarrassing.

Secret Santa

You know when you have an idea and it just wont’ go away?

I have that with a secret santa item. I’m not good at drawing, painting, photoshopping, knitting or sewing, but I have the ideas like I should be. I have these amazing ideas that would look hilarious, or wonderful, on a canvas, in a picture, or knitted, but when I start to do it it comes off at a 50% rate as opposed to the 90% idea that I have.

It’s even more apparent how badly I am because I live with someone who is amazing at these things. One of the items I painted one side and she painted the other, and I tried really hard to do it well, and it is a 180 difference.

I remember my art teacher’s would look at me say “Interesting…” and walk away. You know because my idea was good, but my execution is terrible. I don’t understand why that can be possible…aren’t people with creative idea automatically supposed to be amazing at something artistic?


Writer’s conflict

Today I had an urge to write my story, but honestly I have no idea what I have already. I have written many things down and I need to re-type everything into one place in order to know exactly what needs to be done. It’s difficult to do that because there are so many stories sitting next to me.

Sometimes I think I should just start over, but then I realize how much effort I put into my writing, and that it is actually the skeleton. I have a skeleton of a novel that I’m trying to create organs and muscles. It’s hard to do that when the femur isn’t connected to the hip.

Maybe I don’t have the passion for this? Is that why I’m unable to finish my story? Is that what happens with motivation and laziness. Even though I have gone back to this constantly and over time and I seem to have a passion for it, maybe I actually don’t….maybe my brain is subconsciously telling me that every time my wrist hurts from typing, or I can’t find the next word in a sentence.

Maybe…this isn’t about motivation, but about finding the right passion.

That would be really sad though, because I’ve been wanting this since I was a child. I’ve been wanting to write for since I was eight years old. I was told by people that I needed to change my path because I’m not a good enough technical writer. My grammar needs work and my transitions need to be more fluid. Maybe all the non-constructive critique gets into my psyche at times and makes me stop writing. That is what’s happening now…

I just have to sit up – get my fingers on a writing instrument and ignore the thoughts that go through my mind. Ignore those insecurities that will always stay with me, and that probably stay with everyone. Listen to my favorite authors and just write – write – write.

That’s easy to say, but will I be able to do it?